Have you struggled with the idea of forgiveness? You want to forgive, but it feels like if you do, it means the offender got away with what they did. And to top it all off, how do you actually do it?
Today, I’ll show you how to forgive.
I had some really big things to forgive. I had been severely abused and abandoned by those who should have been there for me. And as I rehearsed what had happened again, my husband said, “I think you need to forgive them.”
“What!!!? I thought, he knows what they did to me! If I forgive then they will just get away with it!!”
At that time I didn’t understand what forgiveness really was, but the Lord took me on that journey, and I will share some of the things I learned about forgiveness with you today, but most of all, I’ll share how I forgave things that the world would deem unforgivable.
First things first.
When we forgive, we are not letting the offender get away with it, but we are leaving them in God’s hands to deal with.
Romans 12:19 in the NKJV says Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.
You Don’t Have to Let Them Back In
When you forgive, it does not mean you have to let that person back in to hurt or harm you again, especially if they are not sorry.
Proverbs 4:23 in the NIV says, Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
Guarding our hearts, is also guarding our hearts from toxic people who would poison our thoughts, our self-worth, and even our walk with Jesus. You can forgive and have boundaries!
You can forgive and not let that person back in.
One of my teachers in Bible College put it perfectly.
I forgive the person who stole my wallet but I don’t leave them alone with my wallet again.
I forgive the person who broke my heart. I forgive the person who hurt or abused me. But that does mean I allow myself to be hurt again.
Forgiveness Is a Choice.
Your feelings will follow later. Feel your feelings, don’t stuff them. Don’t sweep them under the rug and not deal with them.
It’s ok, and it’s healthy to deal with the feelings of what happened to you.
In the old testament, when people were in grief, they tore their clothes, they poured ashes on themselves, they wept and wailed. The bible even says they gave themselves a set time to just grieve after someone had passed.
So, it’s ok to feel your feelings. You don’t have to just forgive and get over it.
So how do you actually Forgive?
You choose, daily.
Every time that person comes up, or thoughts of what they did come up, you say, Lord, I choose to forgive ______________ for _______________. I cast that situation into your hands to deal with, I will not hold onto it anymore.
And every day, every time the feelings come up, the hurt comes up, you say it again, and again, and again.
And if you are dealing with your feelings, not stuffing them, having boundaries and guarding your heart, then you will begin to heal.
You can Forgive Without Reconciliation.
If the person is not sorry and won’t own up to what they did, then you can forgive and leave their hearts in God’s hands.
Let go of what you wanted. You can also surrender what you wanted into God’s hands. You can say something like, Lord, I wanted ___________, and I surrender to you what I wanted. I thank you that You will restore to me and make up to me for what was lost.
If the person is truly sorry, they will not just say they are sorry, they will change their behavior.
A true apology is about how they made you feel. It’s Understanding that what they did hurt you.
If they try and gaslight you, which means denying things happened, minimizing or denying your feelings, then they are not truly sorry, and their actions will not change.
When To Reconcile
But if someone truly has failed you, and they know it, they’re sorry and want to do better, then that is where you can pray about reconciliation.
Make sure you follow the Lord and His leading and His word, don’t put yourself back into an abusive situation.
If you struggle with brokenness, you can read a free sample chapter of my book, Lord, heal my heart.
