You want to do the right thing as a Christian, but a person in your life keeps making you miserable. You may have even heard that you’re supposed to just forgive, and let the bad behavior continue in the name of being a good Christian. Today, I’m going to show you how to deal with offense as a Christian, and that what the Bible says about biblical boundaries and confronting those who are doing your wrong.
Hi, I’m Carolyn, welcome to Abide in Jesus, the weekly show about finding freedom in Christ. Today’s scripture is Matthew 18:15-17, and all references are from the NIV.
The First Way We Deal with Offense is to Try and Talk to the Person.
we see this in Matthew 18:15.
So often offense can be caused by a misunderstanding, and normal healthy people will see that they’ve made a mistake and try to fix it.
Leviticus 19:17 even says to rebuke your neighbor frankly, so that you don’t share in his guilt.
Keep it Between the Two of You
Notice in Matthew 18:15 it says, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you.
I was sitting with a woman once, and she was complaining about our pastor, and the way he was changing things. She was really offended by the changes in the church and even told me why she wanted it back to the way it was.
“Have you talked to him about this?” I asked her.
Her answer was, “no…”
And sadly, in a lot of Christian circles, we see people’s hearts being poisoned by others who have taken offense, but not gone to the person they are offended at, and instead brought many other people into it. And now, this person becomes the target of many when they never had a chance to clear up the offense, or even apologize if they needed to.
Take Someone with You
Matthew 18:16 tells us that If they won’t hear you take someone else with you.
My husband and I had to do this recently with some people who were continuing in their behavior and dismissed anything that was brought up to them. Instead of taking responsibility for their behavior they blamed others and made themselves out to be the victim for being confronted.
Nobody wants to be confronted and told they’re doing something offensive, it’s not the funnest thing in the world. But it’s what you do with it that matters.
Take it to the Church.
If the person causing offense is a member of your church, after you have exhausted the other two, you can talk to a pastor or elder for advice on how to deal with the matter, and depending on the situation, they may get involved. (See Matthew 18:17)
When it’s Time for Biblical Boundaries
And if there is absolutely no change, then it’s time for biblical boundaries or even further action by the courts if needed. (See Matthew 18:17).
Sadly, in the situation we were in, after bringing another person in, the people we confronted acted even worse than before, and we did have to end up cutting ties with them. And that was hard, because we wanted something different, but afterwards we had so much more peace.
If a person is abusing us or causing us harm, we take these efforts to let him see his fault and change. But if he refuses to change, and continues to sin against you, it’s time to have biblical boundaries, cut ties and not allow yourself to be harmed again.
But Aren’t We Supposed to Love?
I have often heard this taught that we’re supposed to just love, that if we confront and they won’t change, and continue in their behavior we’re just supposed to love them. But if you go and study this passage further, read cross references and commentaries on it, you’ll see that it means something very different.
One of my favorite and most helpful books on biblical boundaries is Boundaries by Henry Cloud and Jon Townsend.
But What About Forgiveness?
Now I want to say something here about forgiveness.
Yes, we are to forgive. The Bible even tells us in Mark 11 that if we stand praying, forgive the person who we’re offended at.
But often we are taught that to forgive means to let the behavior continue.
I was taught this as a baby Christian, and it wreaked havoc in my life with some very toxic people, because I was trying to be a good Christian, and love the behavior out of them. I ended up more hurt, more offended, resentful and bitter. I wasn’t protecting my heart, I was just trying to “love” them and it was harming me mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically.
It turned into a vicious cycle of forgiving and being hurt, forgiving and being hurt, until I learned that it’s ok to confront, set biblical boundaries and not allow hurtful behavior to continue.
The Short Answer
To deal with any type of offense, confront the person and don’t spread the offense further until you talk to them. If they won’t change, take one or two others with you. If that doesn’t work, take it to your church if they are a member. And if they continue in their behavior, won’t acknowledge or change at all, it’s time to put down some biblical boundaries and protect your heart.
Prayer
Father, I pray for the person who’s dealing with toxic relationships, who’s been taught that they are to have no boundaries and just forgive, letting the behavior continue. Lord, I pray for the heart of the one that’s been wounded over and over again. I pray that you would give her strength to have biblical boundaries, to say no to toxic people, and to know that boundaries are good and godly to have. In Jesus’ name I pray amen.
This episode was inspired by Day 11 of my Bible study Healing the Father Wound.
